Today is a new day. I’m going to try to LET GO of the events of the last couple of weeks and concentrate on the good. Concentrate on the positive. I can do this ..!!!

D x

This morning I was asked to collect my personal items from my classroom. Had to arrive by 6am. This meant getting up and driving the one hour travel to be there in time. I wasn’t alone. Mark came with me. He drove as I don’t have the strength to do so. Filled his ute with my personal items including classroom displays, educational toys and games I’d purchased for the class.

To say I’m broken is an understatement…

I am not sure why this is happening to me. All because three days into the school term my daughter tested positive to Covid and things spiralled from there…

All I ever do is give out love. Is this the devil trying to silence me ..??

I know I’ll get through this but at this point I’m time it’s hard to process what is happening. I just want to scream..!

Sending love and strength to anyone reading this.

D x

Waiting at the specialist suite to have a procedure. I’m reminded of all of the people sitting and waiting with me. I wonder what aliments they are experiencing. I wonder if they are in pain. I wonder if they have support. I wonder if they have people in their life who care about what is happening to them..

I look at their faces (behind the surgical masks we need to wear) are they worried? Are they scared? Are they anxious? Are they at peace?

I am reminded of my own thoughts and feelings. I know I’m at the best place possible right now. I also know that whatever it is I will deal with as best as I know how.

Whilst I was writing this blog I received an email from my employer. This came through onto my personal email so it flashed up onto my phone screen. To choose to send that email at that exact time is very interesting… it seems my days of working at that school has officially finished. Sooner than I had expected. I will not get the opportunity to say goodbye to my current students and colleagues. This is not my decision so I can’t take this on.

Praying for peace to continue to surround me and my loved ones so I can navigate through this turbulent storm.

D x

One of my favourite Christian songs is a song called ‘Control’ by Tenth Avenue North. This song was produced in 2016 ~ coincidently the same year I finally drummed up the confidence to leave my ex husband.

One of the lyrics reads like this …

“God you don’t need me, but somehow you want me. Oh how you love me, somehow that frees me to take my hands off of my life and the way it should go… to open my hands up and give you control”

There have been a few things I’ve seen lately to remind myself of this. It is easy to continue to see all of the negative but today I’m reminded of his love for me by three different random things over the last couple of days. The first was finding a random card under the seat of my car when I cleaned it out. Next was a picture of a heart made from two leaves joining together and blowing in the wind. The last was this very song being the first song that came up on my morning playlist.

Thank you God for the reminder ❤️🙌🙏

I don’t think I have slept a proper sleep in I don’t know how long. Not being able to switch off my brain. Not being able to stop going over (and over) recent events in my head has taken its toll. I don’t think I have had a proper sleep of more than 2 hours in weeks.

Yesterday taking the first step and talking to a professional with experience in workplace bullying really helped me in more ways than I ever thought possible. In just ONE session she was able to help me to see that it ISN’T my fault and that I’m NOT the dominating factor. My negative work experiences and the stress I’ve endured as a result is NOT MY FAULT.!

My loved ones had been telling me this but I wasn’t allowing myself to believe them. I had in my head they were telling me this because they love me and I was not allowing them to help me. I’d listen to what they were saying and try to take it onboard but the self doubt would creep in like a thick, heavy dew and encapsulate my brain ~ thus allowing me to blame myself once again.

This morning for the first time in a long time I woke up refreshed. Sleep is such an amazing thing. Sleep ~ oh how I’ve missed you ..!

D x

In December 2018 I started this blog as a way of healing from the trauma of my marriage breakdown. I went through the grief process and came out the other side! I prided myself with being able to heal after what I endured during and post marriage. I was able to work professionally as a teacher and also parent my two teenage cherubs 50:50 with their dad. Life was simple ~ but good! Oh so good!

Then came the workplace bullying I have endured..

As a result I reverted back to that frail, opinion less shell of a woman I thought I left behind for good..

Today I took the first step for my mental health and deactivated my social media accounts. I also had my first psychologist appointment to help me to combat what I’m dealing with professionally. She was helpful and so kind. She told me to journal and asked if I ever “blogged” before. She stated it would be very beneficial for my healing… So here I am once again …

It’s ok to feel vulnerable. It’s ok to ask for help. It’s ok to put your mental health first ..!

D x

The last 24 hours have been some of my darkest hours. It is 12:51 am and I can’t sleep.

I have so much negative in my life at present and it can sometimes be extremely overwhelming to continue to remain strong and positive all the time. Negative in my personal and professional life as a result of other people’s actions and personal circumstances. I find it hard to continue to stay positive at all times and this is when “the black dog” rears its ugly head.

I’m proud of myself for acknowledging my actions and are going to make steps towards healing from these.

It is ok to not be ok and I must remember this. It is a heavy load to continue to be positive all the time when life is continuing to throw you lemons…. but with love, light and faith I will get through this.

I’m proud of myself for even just having the courage to put myself out there to acknowledge my demons. I will get through this. I will take day by day and reconnect with my inner child ~ nurture her and nurse her back to health so I can then I turn nurture all of my little humans who rely on me every day ~ my two amazing children and my current and past students.

D x

We have all heard it before… yesterday is the past, tomorrow is the future … live in the present ~ certainly easier said than done .. especially when situations continue to occur outside of your control.

A friend offered me some advice recently ~ “when your children are older what / how do you want them to remember you by… Do you want them to remember you as the happy, fun loving mumma you know you are or one who is fearful of the future and a submissive wall flower”

This very piece of advice shook me to the core. I won’t lie I have let my problems effect me a little too much of late. I’ve encompassed the sadness of revelations that my dad’s rare blood cancer has actually gone into his Bone Marrow. I’ve also succumbed to feeling trapped with the continued barrage of s**t thrown at me by my ex husband. Life has been difficult to say the least.

NO MORE!!!!! NO MORE!!!!

I’m not going to let sadness overwhelm and consume me anymore! I need to be strong for my children and my family. I want to enjoy the times ahead with my dad with positivity, happiness and most importantly gratitude. To look back and know I did the best I could every day .. regardless of circumstances.

Today I choose to be present. Today I choose to be the best version of myself for my two amazing children, my family and friends.

I AM WORTH IT ..!!

D x

All of the sadness, all of the hurt can all be undone if we choose to be kind to each other. What a wonderful world it would be if we all chose to be kind to each other.

Not only does being kind to others fill their cup ~ it also fills yours.

Kindness is my currency ~ what is yours?

D x

Yesterday I found out some negative news in relation to my dad’s cancer. Dad has been suffering with a rare blood cancer for a few years now. We have been riding the motions with that.

Recently he needed a Bone Marrow Biopsy and sadly results came back yesterday that the cancer has spread into his bones – specifically his Bone Marrow.

I just want to scream!!!

But you know what – You’re not going to break us!!!!

FUCK YOU CANCER !!!

D x